General Forum

I been having headaches for 20 years now and just had to go to a doctor. The doctor said, "Chase, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news my friend is that it will require castration. As I look up at him from the bed I thought oh my God. The doc said I had a very rare condition, which causes my testicles to press on my spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. He said the only way to relieve the pressure was to remove my testicles.."

I was shocked at first and became depressed over these last days. I wondered if I had anything to live for, but I had no choice but to go under the knife.

When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of myself.

As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I said to myself I could make a new beginning and live a new life. I saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit. That'll make me feel a little better." I entered the shop and told the saleslady, "I'll like a new suit".

The elderly saleslady eyed me briefly and said, "lets see hmm, size 44 long. I laughed and said, "thats right, how did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years!" the lady siad. I try the suit on and it did fit perfectly.

As I admired myself in the mirror, the saleslady asked, "How about a new shirt?" I thought for a moment and than said, "Sure".

The saleslady eyed me and said, hmm lets see, 34 sleeves and 16 1/2 neck. I was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?" Been in buisness 60 years she said.

I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As I walked comfortably around the shop and the saleslady asked, "How about some new underwear?" I was sort of a little shy at the moment and thought and said, "Sure."

The saleslady said, hmm lets see...size 36. I laughed, and said I got you now, I've worn a size 34 since I was 25 years old.

The saleslady shook her head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New Suit-----$400
New Shirt--- $50
New Underwera-- $12
Second Opinion----PRICELESS

One guy says to his friend; "I've been making a lot of Freudian slips lateley." His friend asks "What do you mean?"

"Well, for example, at the train station, I asked for a Picket to Tittsburgh!"

"I know what you mean," his friend replies. "I've been having the same problem. The other day I was reading the paper while I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted to say "Honey, can you please pass the salt?" But instead I said...."You bitch; you ruined my life!""

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
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2. A will is a dead giveaway.
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3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
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4. A backward poet writes inverse.
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5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
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6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
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7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
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8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
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9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
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10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
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11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
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12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.
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13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
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14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
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15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
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16. A calendar's days are numbered.
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17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
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18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
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19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
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20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
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21. A short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
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22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
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23. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
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24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
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25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
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26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
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27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
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28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
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NOTE: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

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A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits."

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I am utterly confused. freeda makes many posts, she is Non-Adult, makes many very Adult posts, has man trouble, man trouble is sorted, and now, she has NEVER been kissed????? Mind you, her pics are GREAT.

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay
containing these four elements:
*religion
*royalty
*sex
*mystery

The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

A distinguished linguistics professor was lecturing on the phenomenon of
double negatives. As he neared the end of his talk, he drew himself up and
declared solemnly:

In conclusion, let me observe that while there are numerous cases where
a double negative conveys a positve, there is no case where a double
positive conveys a negative.

Whereupon, from the back of the room, arose a small voice dripping with
disdainful condescension:

Yeah, yeah...

Date: ___________


Dear Parent(s),

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics
of interest to both of us.

Please send:
__ Money (Cash)! Amount: $_______
__ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ________
__ Clean clothes!

Relationships:
__ What?
__ I am in love with myself
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged
__ I got married last weekend

My Roommate:
__ Worships the ground I walk on
__ Gave me a black eye
__ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
__ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ???
__ Has fleas

My Professors are:
__ Sadistic water walkers
__ Mental institution escapees
__ Brain dead nerds
__ Super oxygen thieves
__ All of the above

Latest News:
__ I wrecked the car
__ I can't use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit
__ You are going to have a grandchild
__ False alarm - you are NOT going to have a grandchild

Food:
__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals

Grades:
__ I am making all A's
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester

I study:
__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ 80 hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above

Daily Devotions:
__ I read my Bible everyday
__ I can't read
__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars

On my last visit home, I left:
__ My glasses
__ My paper that was due yesterday
__ The clothes you washed for me
__ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
__ Other _____________________________________________
Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)

Laundry:
__ My white underwear is now _________________
__ I am saving money by not using detergent
__ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester
__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains

My room:
__ Can pass your "white glove" test
__ Is only _____% full
__ Could not be located last Saturday night
__ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training

Parties:
__ I don't inhale
__ I only go to meet people
__ Haven't been to one since this morning

Hope you:
__ Miss me
__ Can live without me
__ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence

Salutation:
__ Your Daughter,
__ Your Son,
__ Yours,

A little paper bag was feeling rather unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors surgery.
"Doctor, I do not feel too good" said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me" said the Doctor, "but I will do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
So the poor little paper bag was feeling no better when he went back for the results. "What's wrong with me Doctor?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!"
"No, I can't be, I am just a little paper bag"
"Have you been having unprotected sex?"
"No, I can't do things like that, I am just a little paper bag!"
"Well, are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"No, I can't do that sort of thing, I told you already, I am just a little paper bag!!"
"Have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?"
"No, I don't do things like that, I am just a little paper bag!!!"
"Perhaps you have been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?"
"No I don't have a passport - I am just a little paper bag!!!!"
"Well then" said the Doctor "there can be only one explanation for your condition."
"What is it Doc?"
"I'm afraid your mother must have been a carrier!"

we're on the move, we're gonna keep the mission, we're making progress, we're on the hunt, we're constantly adjusting, we're, we're, we're, we're????????????????????????????????????????????

http://docs.google.com/

web based data and software that is free and almost replaces MS Office

welcome everybody) I'll be glad to chat!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"


A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: That driver just insulted me! The man says: You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.


A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price. The dog replied, But that would make no sense at all.

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

Not that I believe any of you would need it now.. but for later ;)

================

A friend just shared this suggested exercise for seniors to
build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.
It's so easy, I thought I'd pass it on.

The article suggested doing it three times a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have
plenty of room at each side. With a 5-pound potato sack in each
hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold
them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then
relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a
bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato
sacks. Then use 50-pound potato sacks, and eventually try to
get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand
and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of
the sacks.

It appears I have now become a chick magnet for the fat chicks with asses that wouldnt fit through my doorway. Can anyone recommend a new cologne?

I recently had a couple of chats with Scarltet4you. She seemed much more real, authentic and warm than all other hosts I have seen in video. I would like to know if I am just being naive or if other members perceive her the same way. Thanks for ur comments!

for me to go :) lol bye all

http://www.texasjava.com/theartofcoffee.htm

Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"

"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she said. "But what will you live on?"

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.

Mom then washed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed."

"I'm on my way," she said.

She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In the bedroom, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.

About that time, hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed," and he did.

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry
me?" The guy said, "No", and the girl lived happily
ever after and went shopping, always had a clean
house, never had to cook, stayed skinny, and was never
farted on.

The End